


Ahsoka Eats All the Cookies!

by ZombieCatTookMyPudding



Series: Deliciously Funny Star Wars Adventures [1]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Cartoon Physics, Cookies, Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, POV Third Person, Parody, Sandwiches, Slapstick, cartoon violence, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-05-29 16:08:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15076805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZombieCatTookMyPudding/pseuds/ZombieCatTookMyPudding
Summary: They had good reasons for telling her NOT to eat from the cookie jar...but she did. (Crackfic.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own _Star Wars: The Clone Wars_ , or any other media of _Star Wars_. All rights go to their respective owners. Also, my brother came up with the basic plotline, so at least 50% of the credit goes to him.

"NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM." Despite all the times the other Jedi in the Jedi Temple have told her over and over again not to eat from the cookie jar, Padawan Ahsoka Tano found herself stuffing her face of the sweet, sugary goodness, once again. "Hmmm...?" The Tortuga shook the cookie jar, in hopes of one, maybe two cookies left stuck to the bottom, but there weren't even any crumbs left. "Aw maaaaan." She sighed, disappointed.

"Ahsoka...we talked about this..." seeing a shadow over her, she looked up to see the older Jedi with his arms folded, a disapproving glare on his face.

"Oh no! Anakin! I have to hide the evidence!" Ahsoka said to no one in particular.

"There's no need," he smirked, slightly amused. "I already caught you red-han-" before Anakin could finish, Ahsoka threw the jar at him, and rolled out of the kitchen window. "AHSOKA!" Anakin exclaimed, rushing over to where she fell.

"WOO-HOO! This, is, AMAZING!" Apparently, Ahsoka's cookie gut broke her fall, and she was using it to bounce over the buildings.

"...Oh boy..." Anakin knew he had to go after her.

* * *

Unfortunately, as good as sugar-highs were, they never lasted long. Ahsoka was growing too tired to bounce now, and just stuck to walking.

GRRROWWWLLL...

Placing a hand on her growling stomach, Ahsoka smacked her lips. She was getting hungry again.

"COOKIE BALLOONS!" A deep, raspy voice called out. "GET YOUR COOKIE BALLOONS HERE!"

"Mmm, those look _good,_ " she smiled. Using a Force Jump to get to the balloon cart, she took a bite out of a balloon.

**POP!**

Ahsoka giggled. It didn't _taste_ much like a cookie, but it still felt good in her mouth.

"NOM!" **POP!** "NOM!" **POP!** "NOM!" **POP!**

"HEY, KID!" Ahsoka looked down at the vendor. "YOU GOTTA _PAY_ FOR THOSE!"

" _MY_ COOKIE BALLOONS!" Ahsoka yelled in a high-pitch voice. She hissed like a cat at the vendor. "NOM!" **POP!** "NOM!" **POP!** "NOM!" **POP!** "NOM!" **POP!**

The vendor backed away as the other nearby citizens scattered and screamed at the sight of the ever-growing-madly-giggling-cookie-balloon-eating-floating-Tortuga.

* * *

Meanwhile, a fleet of cookie-ships started entering Couruscant's atmosphere.

 **"EXPLAIN TO ME WHY WE HAD TO THESE COOKIE-SHAPED SHIPS IN ORDER TO ATTACK COURUSCANT,"** General Greivous growled to the Count Dooku hologram in his hand.

 _"Because our budget has been tight due to the mass production of droids needed to fight against the Republic,"_ Count Dooku explained. General Greivous smashed his free fist into a random table next to him, breaking it in half.

**"BUT NO ONE'S GOING TO TAKE THE SEPERATISTS _SERIOUSLY_ ATTACKING LIKE THIS!"**

_"I agree with you, General. But unfortunately, this was the best we could do. Perhaps lasers and fire will make up for the lack of intimidating ships. Commence our attack on Couruscant as planned."_

**"YES, MY LORD."** Grevious bowed before the transmissions ended.

"Uh, sir," a droid whined. "There's an incoming projectile being launched towards our ship."

"cooooKIIIIEEEES!" Ahsoka's high-pitch voice got louder as she excitedly (not to mention, hungrily) floated towards the ship.

 **"BWAH! _RETREEEEEEAAAAT!_ "** General Grevious ran like a coward to the escape pods.

"ABANDON SHIP!"

 _"NOM!"_ Ahsoka took a BIG bite out of the cookie ship.

"EVERY DROID FOR ITSELF!"

 _"NOM!"_ And another one,

"This isn't FAIR!"

 _"NOM!"_ And another one!

"I just got PROMOTED!"

The skies were filled with sounds of panicking droids, and Ahsoka's "noms".

Soon, Ahsoka found eating all the cookie ships wasn't enough. Not NEARLY enough! She had to eat them all. ALL OF THEM!

And so she did. She ate every single cookie in the galaxy. With each one, she grew bigger and bigger...

...Until one day, there wasn't anything left. Ahsoka had gotten so big, she developed her own atmosphere, and didn't even need a helmet to breathe in space. Still, being a tiny head on a ridiculously fat body got rather lonesome.

 **"...Hello?"** she called out. **"...Can anyone hear me...?"** Silence. Maybe she really was all that was left. Then, just very faintly, she thought she could feel some sort of vibration somewhere in her body. What was that? _Maybe I can use my force to find out what it is,_ she thought. Ahsoka might've been a planet-sized Jedi, but she was still a Jedi, and could use the force. All she had to do was concentrate.

_"Snips!" Anakin was struggling to move against a sea of orange. "I'm stuck in your FAT FOLDS!"_

**"Hang on, Master! _I'll_ get you out of there!"** She reached around through her big belly flesh. Milk-dipped TIE Fighter? No...sprinkled and frosted remains of Hoth? No...oh! _That's_ where her lightsabers went! Still no...aha! There he was! Gasping for breath...and probably broke a few bones. She put him right next to her head where she could see him. **"Hi, Master."**

"This...is why..." Anakin panted, "...we told you not to eat the cookies."


	2. Chapter 2

"PUFF. PUFF. PUFF. OOoooooh..." A morbidly obese Ahsoka rested her feet on the edges of the treadmill. "MASTER!" she whined, "I DON'T THINK I CAN TAKE MUCH Moooorrrree..."

"You've lost this much weight already, Snips. Shouldn't be too much longer before you get back to your old self. That reminds me, I need to go check on something. I'll be back in about an hour."

"MASTER!" she whined louder. As soon as he left, she began crying cartoonish waterfalls. Suddenly feeling very sick, she spewed a stream of cookie-vomit so strong, she rocket-launched herself into a wall, making a fat-Ahsoka-shaped hole in it. Waddling back to the treadmill, she looked for her water bottle. She found it, perfectly dry next to the treadmill. Sadly, it was perfectly dry on the inside, too. Sighing, she turned off the treadmill, and decided to take a cookie break.

Unfortunately, the cookies they made were now sugarless, bland, and had some sort of "special weight loss" ingredients. No longer the sweet goodness they once had; these were cookies made without _love!_ THEY WERE AWFUL! Still, Anakin said she could eat as many of these as she liked, since these were actually _"good for"_ her.

Taking a bite, Ahsoka, just for a moment, thought she could smell the cookies made the old fashioned way.

 _...Wait_ a minute; her fine-tuned cookie senses were tingling...she decided to use the Force to figure out how much was really just left to her imagination.

* * *

_Humming happily as he walked down the hall to a Jedi meeting, Anakin was carrying a fresh batch of cookies made from the former Jedi recipe._

_"Anakin, that wouldn't happen to be a plate of...you-know-whats...wouldn't it?" Master Plo Koon was the first in the meeting room._

_" Gee, I don't know, Master Plo," Anakin teased, "is it?"_

_"Well, I know what they are, I just don't know it's a good idea to have those around if...a certain cookie addicted Jedi Padawan caught a whiff of it."_

_"Relax, I told her to just keep continuing her weight-loss plan, so she's probably still on that treadmill. She probably couldn't fit through the door anyway."_

_"DEMOCOOKIE!" Obi-Wan was the first to snatch a cookie from the tray. Some other Jedi like Mace Windu and Luminara Unduli helped themselves._

_"Mmm, delicious, these are." Yoda smiled as he took a bite._

_"Well, if even the oldest and wisest Jedi thinks it's okay, you can't really go wrong there." Anakin smirked. "You sure you don't want one, Master Plo?"_

_"...No thank you, Master Skywalker."_

* * *

 ...HOW DARE THEY?! Munching on those _**delicious**_ cookies behind her flabby back, while she ate the sorry excuse for replacements! Anakin told her the Jedi Council passed a new rule that they weren't supposed to have the old cookies anymore!

"OOOOH! I'LL MAKE THEM _PAY_ FOR THIS!" Ahsoka declared aloud.

And so, she started down the hall.

And down the next one.

...And the next one.

...And the next one...

...Then she passed out from walking for so long.

* * *

"Oh, there you are, Ahsoka." Ahsoka heard Obi-Wan's Voice upon waking up, "I found her, Anakin. She's over here. And looking a bit thinner than this morning, too." Growling, Ahsoka rolled forward onto her fat butt.

 "You _lied_ to me."

"What?"

"You were eating cookies _behind my back."_

"I believe I would have remembered if we _had_ the old cookies."

"Oh, really? Even if _you_ don't, I think _your beard_ does."

"...Ha ha, oh, dear Ahsoka," Obi-Wan started stroking his beard, subtly trying to clear the cookie crumbs. "My beard doesn't have a memory of its own."

"THAT DOESN'T MEAN **IT DOESN'T HAVE COOKIE CRUMBS IN IT!"** _Boing!_ Ahsoka felt something bounce off of her fat. Two guards had their guns set to 'stun', but her flab deflected them. "Wha-...YOU WERE TRYING TO _ATTACK_ ME!"

"Not _attack_ you, Snips," Anakin came in from the stairs behind Obi-Wan, "Just stun you until you calm down a little. That's all."

 **"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO STAY _CALM_ WHEN YOU _LIED_ TO ME?!"** Ahsoka's booming voice shook the walls.

"Keep it down, Ahsoka! You might bring the walls down around us," Anakin warned her.

**"THE ONLY THING THAT'S COMING DOWN IS YOU!"**

Leaping high, up into the air, Ahsoka tumbled toward them at an alarming pace. Anakin and Obi-Wan managed to jump out of the way, but Ahsoka couldn't stop!

 _ **CRASH!**_ She ended up rolling out the same kitchen window they just fixed a few weeks before. Bouncing all around through town like a _GIANT PINBALL_ , she finally felt herself hit one of Couruscant's lower levels.

* * *

"Ungh...HNNNGH!" Ahsoka tried to roll to her feet...but she couldn't even _see_ them! "ARRRRGH...ALMOST...GOT IT...!" Ahsoka settled for just being able to sit up. "PUFF. PUFF. PUFF. PUFF. PHEW. _Sniff, sniff._ Are those... _cookies_...?"

At a table outside, Asajj Ventress was in the middle of enjoying a frosted chocolate-chip cookie, her plate containing at least three more. She looked over and saw Ahsoka's hungry eyes.

"...YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM!" Ventress yelled, flipping her helmet back down and grabbing her plate. "THEY'RE **MINE!** _**MINE!"**_ She ran away screaming and laughing maniacally as Ahsoka tumble-chased her through the city.


	3. Chapter 3

Anakin had assembled a search party with a few other Jedi to look for his overweight Padawan. They didn't bother to bring Clones with them, since their guns already proved ineffective against her.

"Ahsoka!" Anakin called.

"Ahsoka, where are you?" Obi-Wan's voice echoed off of the metallic walls of the lower floors of one of Couruscant's lower levels.

"She couldn't have gone far, could she?" Anakin asked him, slightly worried.

"I certainly hope not."

"Who knew _cookies_ of all things could nearly drive a Jedi in-training to insanity?" Anakin asked to no one in particular.

"If you think _that's_ bad, you should see Barriss when she doesn't get her sandwiches..." Luminara shuddered, "...but, I'm glad _that part is_ over, now."

"Wait," Obi-Wan held up a hand, stopping the group. "...does anyone else sense that?" A small silence passed over them.

"...Yeah..." Anakin paused to tune into his Jedi Sense. "...I feel her. She's this way!"

Running off in the direction he pointed to, the rest of the group followed.

* * *

A feminine figure hunched over the plate of cookies in the darkness. Desperately and hungrily, she shoved them into her mouth.

"Mmm...so good..." she said between bites, "...have to...finish them...before _she_ gets them."

"Ventress?" Obi-Wan's voice startled her. Her appetite had been so ravenous, she hadn't sensed the group. Whipping around she reached for her lightsabers and turned them on. The group stood there for a moment, then Anakin burst out laughing. An amused smile pulled across Obi-Wan's face, a couple of repressed snickers came from Luminara, and Mace Windu cleared his throat in attempt to remain composed.

"...What's so funny?"

"I'm sorry. I want to take you seriously, but uh, you got a little something on your face here." Anakin rubbed the corner of his mouth with his finger. Turning her lightsaber off, Ventress did the same, and found she had some chocolate on her face. "And...here." Ventress wiped her face in the same place he gestured. "And...oh, forget it, you've basically got it everywhere."

Growling, she rubbed her face in her hands, very faint chocolate stains getting on her gloves as the rest of the group laughed at her. Suddenly, she smiled smugly and held up her empty plate, forgetting her humiliation. "Ha! Try and take my cookies _now_ , tubby!"

"RRRRAAAAGH!" A rage-filled scream came from the large ball-like Tortuga, standing under a flickering street lamp behind the group.

With enough force power, the four Jedi were able to lift Ahsoka and take her back to the Temple. She didn't fight, or even mind being carried. She was too tired to walk back by herself, anyway.

* * *

Just outside the Temple, Ahsoka was sobbing and sticking the weight loss cookies in her mouth, trying not to gag as she swallowed. Anakin put a hand on her shoulder behind her.

"Sorry about your cookies, Snips, but it's for your own good." All he got in response was a fiery glare from her deep blue eyes.

"Ventress has a cookie problem, too! Why doesn't she have to eat this stuff?"

"Ventress is not a member of the Jedi Order. Her problems are none of our concern. Besides, she's always doing bounty hunter work, so she stays in shape that way."

"So not fair." Ahsoka gulped a weight loss cookie before taking another one.

"...Look," Anakin sat next to her, "maybe when you lose all that weight, we can work something out."

"...Like what?" she muttered, her mouth full.

* * *

**MANY MONTHS LATER...**

* * *

Finally, after all this time, Ahsoka was finally back to normal. Anakin said because she had been so well-behaved on her diet, he had a surprise for her. Waiting impatiently in one of the hallways, she paced back and forth with anticipation.

"Psst! Ahsoka!" Barriss motioned to her from behind a corner. Cocking her head in curiosity, Ahsoka approached her friend. She reached for a pouch attached to her belt, and pulled out a big...chocolatey...golden...

"Cookie!" Ahsoka squealed under her breath. Her eyes rolled back into her head as she took a bite. "How did you manage this?"

"Your master was going to give it to you himself, but something came up, so he asked me to do it for him. If there's a time he can't give you a cookie for a job-well-done, I'm the one who's going to do it instead. In return..." reaching for something else in her pouch, she pulled out a triangular shaped food, "...he promised not to tell Luminara I'm still not quite over my 'sandwich issue.'"

"Oh, Barriss. What would you do without those sandwiches?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, "blow up the Jedi Temple or something?" Ahsoka stopped chewing on her cookie to give a worried look. "...Kidding! Just kidding..." she took a bite, "...sort of."

**Author's Note:**

> Fun Fact: Sometimes, when you throw Ahsoka in _Disney Infinity (3.0)_ , she says "This, is, AMAZING!". "Every droid for itself" "But I just got promoted!" "This isn't FAIR!" are some other phrases the droids may say when you attack them.


End file.
